The Rise of the Planet of the Apes opens in US and Canadian theatres tomorrow (August 5), and to everyone’s surprise it actually looks halfway decent. At least, it looks much better than the Tim Burton remake, although that’s kind of like saying a bottle of skunk piss tastes better than a shit sandwich.
Judging by the teaser trailer I’m almost certain that in future lists of this ilk ROTPOTA’s ape antagonist Caesar will make the cut (just look at those eyes), but as I’ve yet to see it this top 5 will only include monkeys from movies past.
So without further ado, here are 5 primate movie stars that we found the most apeeling. Geddit? Monkeys? They eat bananas? Apeeling? God I hate myself.
5. Spy Monkey, Raiders of the Lost Ark
For some reason Capuchin’s are really popular breeds of monkey with film directors. I think it’s something to do with their beady little eyes; it makes them look mischevious, like a toddler who has mastered the ability of swinging from branches and peeling fruit with its feet.
The most mischevious of these celluloid Capuchin’s is the li’l guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark, who is most famous for doing the Nazi salute. Aw, ain’t that cute? Fortunately the furry fella wasn’t actually a right-wing extremist but rather a covert spy monkey, who eventually saved Indy’s life by eating a poisoned date intended for the fedora-wearing adventurer, sacrificing himself in the process.
Godspeed unnamed spy monkey. You were braver than most men. Also, you had a truly awesome vest.
4. Drug Dealing Monkey, The Hangover Part II
Okay so The Hangover Part II wasn’t exactly the greatest, but when your date leaves the cinema talking about the monkey rather than Bradley Cooper it just has to make the list. Yet another Capuchin, this drug-dealing primate stole the show from its male leads with its Rolling Stones denim vest and penchant for jerking off Buddhist monks.
The monkey is also quite a character in real life: “Crystal” attended the premiere in a pink dress and pearls and then proceeded to further upstage her human co-stars by jumping on Kristen Bell’s face, which is pretty much the same way that Russell Brand broke into Hollywood, and Crystal’s just as obnoxious and hairy as he is, so I think it’s safe to deduce that this is too much of a coincidence and Russell Brand is cheating on Katy Perry with a monkey. You heard it here first.
3. Clyde, Every Which Way But Loose
There comes a time in every actor’s career where he feels he is being typecast, and thus chooses a movie role out of his comfort zone in the hopes that it will allow him to appeal to a broader audience. For renowned tough guy Clint Eastwood, Every Which Way but Loose was that movie.
Unfortunately going from Dirty Harry to kickin’ back with a monkey proved to be too much of a giant leap, and if Clint hadn’t have gone on to make more great movies this could’ve been his very own version of “Jumping the Shark”: “Confessing Emotional Inadequacies to an Orangutan”.
Clyde, however, was awesome, and without a doubt the best furry actor on this list. That still doesn’t mean you should watch this movie, though. Aside from it being awful, the Orangutan who played Clyde was actually beaten by its trainers in order to get it to perform, and after caught stealing donuts on the set of the sequel, Any Which You Can, he was actually beaten so severely that he suffered a brain haemorrhage and died.
2. Dr. Zaius, Planet of the Apes
The bearded antagonist of the Planet of the Apes series, Dr. Zaius is the only ape who knows of humanities demise as the dominant species of Earth, and he likes it that way. By keeping his society ignorant, this allows him to continue the slavery of the human species, as he believes humankind are responsible for all the ills that befell the Earth before the rise of the apes.
The thing is, even though Dr. Zaius is against mankind and we should therefore dislike him, he kind of has a point. Humans are assholes. Just yesterday I read an article about cancer entitled “Hair Today Gone Tomorrow”. Now you’re telling me that we don’t deserve some sort of ape uprising?
1. King Kong, King Kong