SOUTH PARK 15.13 “A History Channel Thanksgiving”

The truth about Thanksgiving emerges (aliens???), and Natalie Portman refuses to open her wormhole. Typical.

Johnny Firecloudby Johnny Firecloud

 

Some days, I can completely understand why a great many "South Park" fans feel that the show is an overloaded mess. Fifteen seasons and running, it's impossible to retain the consistent spark that keeps the snarktellectuals out there coming back week after week, no matter how utterly ludicrous the realities of our world may get.

This week's installment is one for the WTF pile: alien warfare, hack TV journalism run wild, Thor and Natalie Portman all mix in to make "A History Channel Thanksgiving" one of those episodes that feels like an acid trip laced with way too much strychnine. Heading into the tired old Plymouth Rock pilgrim stories once again, South Park Elementary has arranged for a lecture from a real Native American, David Running Horse Zewinski. He's about as Native American as the Eiffel Tower, but proceeds to spin the Thanksgiving tale into a far more truthful than the stories we learned as kids. In other words, he explains the murderous genocide that took place upon Europeans' arrival on American shores, and assigns the class a report on Thanksgiving to help the message sink in.

Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny of course team up for the assignment, and turn to the History Channel for a little more story stimulation than old books. The History Channel, a network never exactly known to be rooted in reality, were airing special on Thanksgiving that explained that the holiday was inhabited by aliens. Naturally, Cartman is enthralled, while Kyle calls BS outright.

The resulting report for school draws the attention of some Men In Black style operatives from the History Channel itself, who rather than whisk the boys off to a secret Area 51 prison actually just want to get the boys on tape to further support their own lunatic stories. That's how these shows work, after all. Ever see the ridiculous "Ancient Aliens" show? Yeah. History Channel. 

Stan and Kyle are understandably suspicious, with the latter taking it to the next level of nonsense by claiming that the Pilgrims and Native Americans were aliens themselves. As lunatic as the concept is, it's also true: the Pilgrims really were aliens, from a planet called Plymouth, one of five planets connected together by wormholes arranged in the pattern of a human hand (or, more appropriately, a hand-turkey.). The Pilgrim military leader, Miles Standish, has been exiled by his Indian captors and sent to Earth, where a Thanksgiving treaty was established to prevent future wars over the stuffing mines.

Have I lost you yet? Because the show sure as hell lost me, and I've been watching since 1997. No amount of high-grade sativa could make this storyline funny, or even sensical by any stretch of the imagination. Stuffing wars between aliens posing as Pilgrims, as told through the scope of the History Channel. Please pass the cancellation notice.

A massive stuffing shortage on Earth – right before Thanksgiving, no less – leads to pandemonium. Miles Standish enlists Kyle and Natalie Portman to help save the holiday, which involves Kyle and Natalie going on a date, a few Thor jokes and a whole lot of Indians being slaughtered once again, except this time with heat lasers. The wormhole on Earth is controlled by Natalie Portman, who refuses to open her wormhole at first. Cue sex jokes.

"Look, if anyone knows about stuffing, it's Natalie Portman!"

Can we just pretend this never happened?

CraveOnline Rating: 5 out of 10