After a hard-fought and completely deserved championship, the Miami Heat have a year to wear “Hi, Haters” t-shirts and enjoy bottle service in every club, or whatever else it is that awful human beings do nowadays. We sat down with Miami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra to find out what it’s like to coach players like LeBron “Don’t blame me if we lose, but give me the credit if we win” James, Dwayne “Why didn’t you call that foul?” Wade, Chris “No, I’m not the mascot of Toys R Us” Bosh, and Juwan “Peach Basket” Howard.
Mandatory: Coach Spoelstra, thanks for joining me today.
Erik Spoelstra: No problem at all. And please call me E-Z Money.
Mandatory: I’m sorry, I’m not calling you that.
Erik: [Laughs.] No problem at all. It’s a nickname I’m trying to get out there, but it isn’t really catching on.
Mandatory: Did your players have a nickname for you? Normally people don’t come up with their own nicknames.
Erik: Haslem called me Swamp Nuts, but I don’t really know what that means.
Mandatory: Let’s talk about your championship. You’re pretty excited about this, right?
Erik: Yes and no.
Mandatory: Can you explain?
Erik: It was great winning the championship, but during the finals, ABC Family was airing 30 Days of Beethoven, and I missed the whole thing.
Mandatory: Are you talking about the Charles Grodin movies featuring a Saint Bernard?
Erik: I believe you mean George Newton.
Mandatory: No, that was his character’s name. He was playing a role.
Mandatory: You know that’s just a movie, right?
Erik: If it’s not real, then where did I get this? [Pulls out an 8×10 photo of the dog from “Beethoven” Photoshopped into the DVD cover of “The Happening.” It says “Chase Your Dreams. –Bark Wahlberg”]
Mandatory: We should get back to basketball talk. Can you describe the dynamics of the team in the locker room?
Erik: One time Lebron let me have half of his packet of Fun Dip!
Mandatory: That seems nice of him.
Erik: Am I under oath?
Mandatory: Under oath? This isn’t a courtroom, Erik. It’s just an interview.
Erik: Oh, then never mind.
Mandatory: Were you not honest about something?
Erik: OK, OK. Lebron didn’t give me that Fun Dip. It wasn’t Lebron and it wasn’t Fun Dip. What happened was Eddy Curry ate three-quarters of a chimichanga and I found the rest in the trash and ate it. I just wanted to fit in.
Mandatory: Is there anything else you want to get off your chest?
Erik: Yes. I think a dragon sexually assaulted me when I was 22. I once did a rendition of “Rumpshaker” in black face at Haslem’s son’s birthday party. I have a safety-deposit box full of RC Cola bottle caps. I went to prom with my dad. I don’t understand how curtains work.
Mandatory: Erik, this is a lot to take in.
Erik: One time I thought I started my period but it was just that LeBron had thrown a basketball really hard at my crotch. I spent my entire year’s salary on boogie boards. I am part of a message board that believes Tim Robbins and Tim Hardaway are the same person.
Mandatory: I’m certain they aren’t.
Erik: I’m terrified of salt. I asked John Mayer if he would consider being a surrogate for my children. River Monsters is the only television show my parents will let me watch, excluding the ones about carp because that looks too much like “crap” and they don’t want me to develop a potty mouth.
Mandatory: Maybe we should just end the interview here.
Erik: When I was a kid, I wanted to be a seahorse when I grew up.
Mandatory: Thank you, Coach Spoelstra. You truly are a man of unique perspective. Good luck next year. And good luck functioning in society.
Erik: Is Hogwarts a real school? Bosh told me it definitely is.