There’s a lot of annoying people we’re all going to have to deal with in 2013. Here are the 10 worst offenders.
10. Rich Kids Who Consider Themselves “Political Junkies”
Look, I like “The Daily Show” and “Meet the Press” and “Face the Nation” and all the other political shows out there as much as the next guy. But I don’t mistake watching TV for actual activism. Most shitheads who make a point of calling themselves “Political Junkies” are upper middle class white kids who watch a bunch of boring TV and read of a bunch of boring New York Times articles and then regurgitate what they watched and read into my ear at parties.
I get it, someone at Slate.com told you oil companies do bad things and that homeless people get cold in the winter. It makes me sad, too. But repeating these facts while swirling your Pinot Gris doesn’t actually “do” anything. Getting into circular arguments with semi-like-minded friends and acquaintances won’t warm up the homeless or stop the oil companies from fucking up the polar bears. You’re not changing the system and you’re not changing anyone’s mind. No one’s walked away from a dinner party argument and said, “Hey, that guy wearing the thick-rimmed glasses and the scarf indoors was right. I’m voting for the Green Party.”
All your postulating does is give you a hollow sense of superiority on your way home to your $2,400/month apartment because you were able to bring up more obscure statistics than anyone else in the room. Please shut the fuck up.
9. Your Friend Who Just Had A Kid
Friends with children used to be mildly annoying, because you could ignore them long enough and they went away forever. But now you can’t ignore them because they’re posting shit on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and Google+ and Tumblr. I swear I’m still getting baby pictures faxed to me. I get it, having a child is a magical experience that has taught you the true meaning of love and you can’t remember what your life was like before your wife shat out your beautiful little baby. Please, tell me more about it, all the time. You’re the first person this has ever happened to, right? And don’t forget to bring it up every time I come over to watch football. Because why would I want to talk about football or stupid jokes when you can tell me ONE more thing about the new small person in your house that’s shitting itself as we speak. Remember when I used to text you something funny and then you would text me back something funny? Remember how now you text me back a photo of your infant wearing sunglasses? Yeah, so do I.
8. Breaking Bad Fans
I get it, I really need to watch this show. Meth is cool and he is the one who knocks and all that blah blah blah. I’m sure I’ll turn into one of you after I see a few episodes and get hooked. But let’s get one thing straight: If it really is the best show in the history of television, it would be called “The Wire.”
7. People Who Take Coffee Way Too Seriously
Yes, we know. Good coffee is good. And bad coffee is not as good as good coffee. But if you find yourself in an establishment that doesn’t serve Rwandan free trade beans that were shat out by a spiritual donkey shaman whose fur also cures AIDS before being quad-brewed through the skin of a petrified alligator, then just shut the fuck up and drink whatever coffee is available.
And why are you worrying about the nuances of something that makes you take the world’s most explosive shit eight seconds after it touches your lips? It’s coffee. It’s tasty, but it’s not a goddamn religion. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to stop lecturing you on how annoying you are because I’m about to shit my pants from the 16-ounce latte I just chugged.
Let’s get one thing straight, you’re a bartender. And just because you’re using fancy cocktail words like “macerate” and “egg foam” and “turbinado” doesn’t mean you can charge me $15 for a goddamn Margarita. I don’t care what kind of pseudo-Scientific title you’re giving yourself to justify the $200,000 your parents spent on your English BA from Columbia. You wear an old-timey vest and string tie to work. Stop enlightening me on the subtle nuances of muddled cucumber and give me three fingers of bourbon so I can drink til I can’t hear you.
5. The Next Apocalypse
Can we stop freaking out every time some ancient civilization said some vague, pointless bullshit about the end of the world? Let me make my own prediction: They will be wrong. And guess what, they will always be wrong. Remember that one time some 400 B.C. dickheads predicted the end of the world and they were right? You don’t, because it’s never happened. These people couldn’t figure out penicillin, yet you think they unlocked the secrets of the universe?
And one more sidenote: We’re not a bunch of Indiana Jones’s deciphering some long lost ancient scrolls. Most of you wouldn’t know a Mayan from an Aztec from an Olmec from a Teotihuacan–yet you think you’re going to turn into Dan Brown just by analyzing the Mayan Apocalypse Wikipedia page? If you’re so worried about the end of the world, maybe you should do something productive with your life instead of worrying when it’s going to end.
4. Fat People
Everyone hates you. From the mayor of New York to Sanjay Gupta to Bill Maher to the lesbian on the Biggest Loser. Everywhere I turn someone’s telling me some annoying statistic about some fat person. And I’m tired of it. Normally, I’d say you should eat a goddamn pile of fried dough for breakfast if you want, I don’t give a shit. But since my tax dollars have to pay for your insulin party, the media is screaming in my face about you every two seconds. So, do us all a favor. If you fat people could just ease up on the lardcakes and drop a few pounds this year we could spend less time hearing about your BMI and more time worrying about important stuff, like DVRing “Breaking Bad.”
3. HGTV Shows
Do you watch too much HGTV? I do (well, my wife does, so, therefore, so do I.) And here’s what I’ve learned. There’s essentially one HGTV show. Here’s how it goes:
1. Introduce weird couple who want to move/need to remodel.
2. Realtor/Contractor shows couple multiple houses/remodeling possibilities.
3. Weird couple decides on a house/remodel plan.
4. Realtor/Contractor begins work.
5. Problem! Usually involving a rival bid on the house or the contractor found a load-bearing wall that completely ruins the remodeling plans.
6. Interviews of weird couple talking about how stressed out they are about this problem.
7. Interview with realtor/contractor talking about how the couple needs to be flexible.
8. Problem somehow solved!
9. Reveal where everyone is ecstatic with their new house/remodeling and can’t believe they ever doubted the the realtor/contractor.
Every. Single. Time. And yet, here we are watching our third episode in a row of “Property Brothers.”
2. Shitty Parents and Their Shitty Children
Why is every kid shitty these days? I used to like children. They’re fun. They remind you that you can wear bananas as hats or have a pretend lunch with the Queen of Wherever. But now kids just suck. If they’re not blankly staring at an iPad (I don’t have an iPad, yet every 8-year-old in the airport seems to have one AND an iPhone), then they’re whining because Mommy isn’t yelling at the cash register lady for not getting her juice fast enough (true story). If you’re a parent and your shitty kid is acting like a little shit in public, then you should grow a sack and tell that little shit to stop being such a shithead.
You know what? Fuck everyone this year. Stupid Congress is just going to suck egg after egg until they completely fuck our economy with their whining and piss-moaning. The media is one, big nonstop shithead who treats real news like reality shows. And let’s not forget music. Does every song have to have a mandolin on it now? Is that some sort of music law I wasn’t aware of? (I hate mandolin, FYI.) And if I have to hear more about Superfoods or Taylor Swift or Discount Double Checks or Al Roker sharting or anything else that makes my day worse, I’m going to go to sleep until 2014. (But please wake me up if the Ikea Monkey comes back.)