Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / Bounder (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 5-19-17
me today pic.twitter.com/31xwQE0j4N
— jameh (@jamehhhhhhh) April 24, 2017
This is a nice thought but also like half the time it’ll look like you’re just wearing a ring that says “child marriage” pic.twitter.com/sdiDlCfD9a
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) May 14, 2017
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) May 14, 2017
Me: i have anxiety
Therapist: bro have u checked out these fidget spinners its fukin dope
— Wahlid Mohammad (@Wahlid) May 12, 2017
not everyone is going to think i’m pretty and that’s ok !!!!! they’re wrong though
— isabel (@lSABABE) April 28, 2017
God (inventing humans): Make it so their favorite food kills them slowly.
— HughGoesThere (@HughGoesThere) March 14, 2017
A small joy in my life is tht my sis is dating a guy w/ the same name as her cat & human Nigel hates tht we all call him human Nigel.
— Bounder (@DawgBelly) May 11, 2017
guy: I’m 6’4″, homeless, I don’t have a car, I’m unemployed, and I’ve been arrested 6 times
me: ….did you say..6’4″? pic.twitter.com/1gOCO37yNv
— ashley (@ashleyms030) April 27, 2017
This is just a guess, but it could be because that’s a rotary phone. pic.twitter.com/SgHgXASNW3
— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) May 14, 2017
My son made this. It’s hilarious. pic.twitter.com/a7mE6bRQy2
— Matt Gabriele (@prof_gabriele) May 14, 2017
I give excellent restaurant recommendations if your criteria is servers who don’t roll their eyes when you ask for a fifth basket of bread.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) March 22, 2017
good news, aparently i am no longer sad, i am alt-happy
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) January 23, 2017
— Wholesome Memes (@WholesomeMeme) May 10, 2017
Guys you can also just spell out your name to the barista
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) April 24, 2017
We just stole David Duchcovny’s cab while he was taking a selfie with someone pic.twitter.com/IPvSjS3gZx
— Sarah (@ughsarahd) April 30, 2017
My dog seems to be no longer satisfied with his regular water bowl and has figured out how to use the fridge. Can’t say I’m not impressed. pic.twitter.com/CPIhF8fIow
— neko (@illacat_) May 2, 2017
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
— Boyd’s Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) May 3, 2017
This Pikachu dancer’s costume started to deflate and it looked like the dancer was urgently bundled off by government security agents. pic.twitter.com/5dLLc1bopd
— Paul Haine (@paul_haine) May 5, 2017
Lets catch up soon i say, hoping i die first
— Stephanie Conroy (@Stephie_Lark) April 23, 2017
Update: I am a lesbian. She was right. https://t.co/MmPdFFd2ZU
— Jar (@jelly_zebras) April 22, 2017