Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / @upsidedowntrash (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 10-13-17
I’ve been building my son’s trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I’m going to hit him with a “too slow”. Welcome to the real world, son.
— Trevor Williams (@MeLlamoTrevor) October 6, 2017
Breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) February 16, 2013
all because I said no to bingo night pic.twitter.com/W8Ojp0eQqx
— bauhausfanaccoun (@hypedresonance) October 6, 2017
Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I’m going to be for the rest of my life.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 27, 2015
Hi everyone I wanted to tell you that Chuck Norris memes are 10x funnier when you crop out the bottom caption pic.twitter.com/g56xY6dt4H
— cherchez la femme (@electrapng) October 12, 2017
I don’t know how Dennis Rodman traveling to North Korea possibly being our only hope to prevent WW3 isn’t already the plot of Space Jam 2
— Kevin Barnett (@Fatboybarnett) October 7, 2017
Fuck getting kids sweets for Halloween. I’m putting a vending machine outside my house. Let them pay. I’ve got rent due 1st November.
— Callum Lyon (@CallumLyon) October 5, 2017
I build a door sensor for my dorm pic.twitter.com/veNXFobzPC
— evan (@earth2evn) October 3, 2017
Said to the bird at the bus stop, when’s it due. She said I’m not pregnant ya arsehole
A said, a was talking about the bus ya fat cow
— seal of approval (@thepilgrim1912) October 6, 2017
I’m not appreciated enough.
Saw this bread and not one person laughed when I said “dat ass dough”. pic.twitter.com/4F4sbkMy0u
— Ben Hall (@MrBenLHall) July 10, 2017
Al Gore and Bill Clinton in short shorts, 1992. pic.twitter.com/gq1gkq5m2p
— History In Pictures (@HistoryInPix) October 12, 2017
I thought Kurt Russell had a tiny personal hairdresser in this photo and tbh my brain was fine with the idea pic.twitter.com/NjgNyawca0
— Jamie Ghost Fart (@jamiesmart) October 11, 2017
I want Mitch Trubisky to play well tonight but if he doesn’t you better believe I’m gonna call him Limp Trubiskit
— Mina Kimes (@minakimes) October 10, 2017
Alfred: welcome home sir, shall i fetch your bathrobe
Bruce: hey watch it i’m out of uniform
Alfred: pardon me sir, shall i fetch your hrobe
— Frovostein (@fro_vo) April 28, 2016
Remember when Dan Quayle misspelled “potato”, and everyone was like “that’s a good enough reason for him not to be president”?
We should be like that again.
— Ben Grimes (@softreeds) October 12, 2017
Is his brother his barber? https://t.co/IiG7qiExPL
— ™ (@KingThelonious) October 10, 2017
Stadium is Russia didn’t meet FIFA qualifications for the World Cup next year, so they added 18K seats in the most terrifying way possible pic.twitter.com/RksHCgd81K
— NICKTOBER (@nickgrodo) October 3, 2017
I love your work but I wish it could be a little bit different in a highly specific way that would appeal slightly more to me & nobody else
— psychOdenthal (@MikeOdenthal) December 11, 2016
your rap name is your full name plus your credit card number plus its CVV number plus its billing zip code.
— penjamin.ded (@upsidedowntrash) October 12, 2017
ME: i put so much pressure on myself to succeed
FRIEND: you’re eating ice cream in bed
— Jill O’Lantern (@JillianKarger) October 6, 2017