At The Bar With… Lindsay Lohan

A look into a late night experience with Hollywood's queen of party.

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

Every Tuesday you shall join me in Bar Fiction, a magical place where the world’s most strikingly beautiful stars come to drown their sorrows with simpletons such as us. This week we find ourselves gawking at ‘troubled’ Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan.

You: Hey, isn’t that the ginger from all the celeb magazines?

Me (predictably suave and enigmatic):  Yes, that would be Lindsay Lohan, actress-turned-‘party’ enthusiast.

Wait – actress?

Lindsay was a former child actress before, y’know, all the ‘partying’.

Partying? I thought she just did a shit-ton of drugs?

Subtlety really is lost upon you, isn’t it?

I’ve never seen her in any films. I just assumed she was a full-time drug addict.

Unsurprisingly, being a full-time drug addict doesn’t exactly pay well.

Well Russell Brand doesn’t seem to be doing too badly for himself…

You know that Brand hasn’t been a drug addict for 7 years now, right?

He’s sober?! But – his hair?!

Eventually you’re going to have to come to the realization that not every famous guy with long hair is on smack.

I defy you to think of an example.

Let’s move on.

So if you’re telling the truth and she really was an actress, how come I’ve never seen any of her movies?

She has mostly starred in female-friendly fluff such as Freaky Friday and Just My Luck, although she did play the lead in the above-average high-school comedy Mean Girls.

Oh my God dude, you watched Mean Girls? You’re so gay.

Says the guy with the Mojito?

It’s not gay if you take the umbrella out before you drink it. So is she sober now, too?

It would consume a lot less of my time if you were to just purchase a tacky celebrity magazine to find out that answer. There are about 4 articles in each one with differing opinions on her drug and alcohol intake.

Why is everyone so interested by the number of narcotics she consumes?

The media is split 80/20 between people who are fed-up of the stories concerning her wild lifestyle and complain about it profusely and the people who feel sympathetic towards her and leave comments on articles concerning her well-being along the lines of “GET BETTER SOON LINDSAY WE ARE PRAYING FOR YOU”.

Which side are you on?

I have never met Lindsay Lohan and therefore I have no opinion concerning her personal life. It’s not uncommon for celebrities to be on drugs. It’s often encouraged. Some of them are just lightweights and can’t handle it as well as others. However, the media coverage concerning her lifestyle has gotten to the point where it’s infiltrating every newspaper, magazine and web site, and such wide-scale coverage means that it is almost impossible to just ignore it and hope that it goes away; unfortunately, if you are to comment on your disapproval of how broadly reported the insignificant drug woes of a middling teen actress are, then you’ve still commented nonetheless and have inadvertently contributed to this whole debacle.

By you commenting just now, haven’t you also contributed?

Unfortunately, yes.

So where do we go from here? Shall we just sit in silence?

That might be for the best.

…you’d still have sex with her though, right?

In a heartbeat.

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