She Might Seem Like a B*tch

There are times when you’ll meet a girl and in the first five minutes you feel you can put the official b*tch stamp on her and write her the heck off.   

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

My friend, there are certain occasions when you are spot on with your judgment. At the same time, there are some occasions when you are most certainly rushing the judgment, and should wait until you meet this chick again, after she’s gone to the gym and had a shower and had time to blow out her hair.


  1. She’s carrying a load of stuff, like say, two bags, a dog on a leash, a cup of coffee with no lid, and a bouquet of flowers. She’s trying to open a door or deposit a wad of dog poo into a nearby garbage can and while maneuvering through a throng of people. Perhaps she’s barking “get the    f—out of my way” or “EX-cuse me” and you just turn and shake your head. What a b*tch. I’m here to beseech you. Cut her some slack. It’s either early in the morning or late at night, I bet, either way she’s cranky, she’s got a lot to carry and frankly, when it comes to brute strength, most women have a fraction of what men are born with. No one is helping her, and if they do offer to help, she can’t accept their offer, because women are taught that strange men are all rapists with s&m dungeons. Catch her next time when she is cup-dog-bags-and-flower-free.
  2. You hear her plotting revenge on another woman. Perhaps you catch wind of how she furiously or gleefully is planning leak topless pictures of some woman with the rugby team or cut the straps off all this chick's dresses and shoes, or surround her desk with trail mix with a fake nutritional content tweaked in Photoshop, so that it seems low cal, but (ha ha!) actually isn’t. Listen, the stuff that goes down between women, stays between women. Chances are that if she’s going to such extents to f—over another woman, it’s likely because that woman has already f—ed her over so royally, she’s flailing wildly to return the face-punch. And gents, that’s not the sign of a b*tch, that’s the sign of a keeper. You want a lady that’s in it to win it.
  3. She  throws a drink in some dude’s face at a party or bar. Gentlemen, if you EVER see a woman do that, you should run after her and get her phone number immediately. A woman throwing a drink in a guy’s face is either A: punishing some jerk who wronged or dissed one of her good friends, in which case she’s showing her loyalty to a comrade, which makes her a definite keeper and someone you should want to take out. B: she’s deemed it a good idea to humiliate some guy who screwed her over in the most public fashion possible. Well, that just means she has high self-esteem, which also makes her a catch.
  4. She’s slamming things. Perhaps you see her slamming cupboards in the communal office kitchen, or slamming doors or stomping around shooting WMDs with her eyes. Okay, while it’s safe to assume she’s angry in this instance, it’s not accurate to assume she’s a b*tch. What you’re witnessing is an admirable case of divine self control. A woman that angry actually wants to scream and throw things, shattering window and slashing throats. But she’s exercising self restraint, merely making loud noises with inanimate objects. And that kind of woman is going to make one fine mother.