Ways Your Mom F—ed You Up

This "Your Mom!" joke is about how tragic you are.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

It’s not that I’m sick of men whispering “daddy issues” whenever he sees a woman with breast implants, an eating disorder, single at 35 or someone sobbing into hot fudge sundae while clutching a picture of Bob Saget (someone out there gets the joke).

It’s that I’m tired of politely biting my tongue when I see men, with their self-defeating habits and actions, signing on for perpetual single-dom because of hard and fast issues that mumsy gave them.

And most of you men, you worship and protect your mommy dearest. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t. I’m just inviting you to grab my hand and follow me down the primrose path.


F-up Number One.

She packed your lunches way past when it was appropriate. Listen, having a lunch at school packed by your mom is one of the warm fuzzies of life, particularly if your mom sprung for high quality deli meat (mine didn’t) and always packed a treat (my family thought that a mcintosh apple qualified as a treat). My theory is that if your mom packed your lunch past the age of nine, she set you up for prime f-ed up territory. It also indicates that you probably also had the type of mother who would bring you snacks, when you were watching television. This woman primed you for putting your feet up on the ottoman, waiting for the proverbial French maid. What am I saying? You may look like a man, but you're actually a spoiled twat. There’s something really wrong with this. Why? Because now deep down you’re looking for a woman who’s going to take care of you as well as mom did, and the problem is you’re going to have to take a time machine back to 1949 to find her. AND to add sprinkles to this particular sh*tshow, you probably have a deep resentment for any woman who doesn’t have a pot roast waiting for you in the oven when you come home or pick her up for a date. You know what I mean.

F-up Number Two

She was okay with you just getting her a card for her birthday or mother’s day. Now, on the one hand, that’s cool—it shows a refusal of materialism, a value upon the sincerity of words and general unfussiness. On the flip side of that, it tells some men, “Hey that’s okay, you don’t have to do anything special for me on my special day, just swing by the greeting card section at Walgreens after you get your deodorant and Gatorade, that’s just dandy, because you are my sweet little prince-bunny”. Men take this cavalier attitude with other women in their lives and start labeling them “high maintenance” if we say something to the effect of “Oh, I thought maybe we could do dinner and a movie on my birthday”. These guys are just like, “Whooooa” she just expects more than what I’m willing to give right now." 

F-up Number Three

She let you have a girl over, in your room with the door shut while you were in high school. And if she had been more, say, on planet earth, she would’ve realized that you were having intercourse in her house. Now some parents would be cool with that, certainly not mine. If I had had sex at any point while in my parents house growing up, they would have thrown my stuff out to the curb and then set it on fire, telling me this is the fire and brimstone that I had to look forward to. And then they would’ve told me to go live down in the Subway so I could become accustomed to living in our country's closest version of hell. In fact, if I had told them that I'd had sex behind a Roy Rogers restaurant they would've congratulated me for respecting their household. Now now, perhaps all this means is that I was raised by religious fanatics, and I don’t know what I’m talking about. On the other hand, I've found that men who have mums who looked the other way when they were doing the nasty in their rooms while growing up… these are men that have a rather ungentlemanly way of viewing sex. They make slingshots out of the used condom. They like Pauly Shore movies. They feign loud orgasms in the background while their friends are on the phone. We're talking a general lack of respect and maturity. After all, a mom who says you can't have sex in her house is forcing you to either get a room or get a car, two things that a character-building after school job would require. And not a bad idea either. Instead of banging the girl next door, why not take her out to a dinner and a movie first?