Decoding the Facebook Status: Part One

Suffering from obscure Facebook status updates? Here’s a guide to what they really mean.

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

It’s not that we think our friends are jerks, shallow, or even douche-y, but its this new trend of having some sort of meta/vague/obscure Facebook status that seems to get more and more annoying with every dumb post.


No one ever acts innocently. Psychologists will tell you that most people express themselves for selfish reasons (even if we don’t know it), whether you’re “checking-in” to your favorite bar and grill or enjoying a cup of coffee, every Facebook status has some sort of meaning behind it. 


What we’ve tried to do is come up with a useful guide to help you decipher what your friends are really trying to say.


Mike (19 minutes ago): “The whole day off and nothing to do.”

What they’re really saying: “I thought things would be better after college… I really did… But I’ve been working this job as a Target floor supervisor for so long I can barely muster the courage to look at myself in the mirror. Someone call, text, or email me right now… My mind is going to some very dark places.”


Dan (11 hours ago): “Who wants some coffee?”

What they’re really saying: “I’ve never been so f-ing horny in my entire life.”


Tracy (about an hour ago): “Good day just got better with my favorite bagel!!!”

What they’re really saying: “I’ve missed my period for about the tenth day now… I swear to God, if I’m pregnant I’m going to find Justin and cut his balls off. My Dad is going to KILL me if he ever gets wind of this… I wonder if that Planned Parenthood next to the bagel shop is still open?”


Trevor (12 hours ago): “New day, new beginnings.”

What they’re really saying: “Ugh… The job search continues again today. I’m really going to do it this time. I mean it. Right after some Sega… Right after some Sega and Porn. I WILL find a job today. Right after Sega, Porn, and Step Up 3D on Netflix.”


Kim (4 minutes ago): “1 Corinthians 4.11.”

What they’re really saying: I hope no one sees that topless photograph I sent to Justin.


Matt (5 hours ago): “Tomorrow… tomorrow…”

What they’re really saying: “My divorce is finalized! Suck it, Carol!”


Rachel (Yesterday): “My sister has the cutest baby in the whole world! Yay!!”

What they’re really saying: “Fat Bitch. Stupid fat bitch. Seriously, how many kids are you going to cram out?”


Justin (10 hours ago): “Party again tonight!”

What they’re really saying: “I should really slow down but I can’t let on to my friends that I don’t really enjoy drinking as much as I used to. I’ve started having blackouts. I pissed myself again last night. I woke up this morning covered in my own urine with a topless pic from Kim on my iPhone… Who the hell is Kim?  I should send it to Dan. I haven’t heard from Tracey in a while either… She’s probably mad because I told her that the latex they use on condoms gives me a rash… Whatevs… Do I have a problem?”


We hope that sheds some light on decoding the Facebook status. More to come!