Hawaiian Shirts Are Cool

Anyone who says different is a cyborg who wants to destroy happiness.

Sax Carrby Sax Carr

We can all agree that the 'coolness' of a particular item is largely intertwined with people and fictional characters that are ostensibly cool. The most recent Doctor Who has stated that bow-ties are cool, and now, inexplicably, they are. In the same way, Marlon Brando got everyone into jowls, and Sonic the Hedgehog made nude-except-for-shoes-and-gloves thing into a worldwide phenomenon. Now it's my turn.

Since the sinfully innocent age of ten, I have worn garish Hawaiian shirts and loved them. In fact, for six years, I wore a Hawaiian shirt almost every day. By the time I was a freshman in high school, I had a closet full of them. People made fun of me, comparing me to Weird Al, or a retard in a Hawaiian shirt. But I retorted, "Hey, some pretty cool people wear Hawaiian shirts! Like Thomas Magnum! And Weird Al!"

Why didn't this ever become a buddy cop summer blockbuster?

Well, now I'm one of the pretty cool people that wears Hawaiian shirts. And I'm telling you, definitively, without a shadow of a doubt, that Hawaiian shirts are cool. Not just cool- Awesome. Fantastic. Splendiforous. Spactaculuncularalicious. They're great.

But how did it all go so wrong? Well, let's start at the beginning. First of all, if you check the wikipedia entry, apparently they're called "Aloha" shirts. Defined specifically, they are collared, short sleeve, button down shirts with bright and colorful patterning. Defined metaphorically, they turn your torso into a raging house party with a great air conditioner.

You see, Hawaiian shirts aren't only scientifically proven to make people thing that you are more fun than you actually are, but they feel like you're wearing the gentle kiss of the ocean's breeze. I'm pretty sure if you wrapped a roast in a Hawaiian shirt and put it in the oven all day, it would still come out raw. They're just that comfy and breezy.

Like a solar panel, it soaks wind up over time and then releases it when you need to cool down.

I could list their virtues for hours. Any egg dishes cooked while you're wearing one taste 25% better. Women swoon at the sight of one. People give you free weed wherever you go. It's the only thing white people can wear with a pale Panama hat. If you wear it unbuttoned, you have a six-pack. I don't even mean your abs, I mean the moment you finish unbuttoning it, six delicious ice-cold beers appear in front of you.

So why don't people wear them all the time? Well, I have a few theories. The first is that people are simply misinformed about the benefits, which hopefully the last paragraph will remedy. If this doesn't work, than it might be the fact that nothing that amazing can also be cool, like Miniature Wargaming, and Mormons. Alternatively, it may be… The Sweatpants Conspiracy.

And there's the title of the movie.  How has this not happened yet?

Based on facts that I researched in the Library of Congress while being chased by the reincarnated members of George Washington's Secret Service team, I may have discovered the biggest conspiracy since Ritchie Valens kidnapped Buddy Holly and took him back to his home planet. It turns out the scientist who bio-engineered the Sweatbeetle, a creature that poops sweatpants material, was brainwashed by the Freemasons, lobotomized, and convinced he was George H.W. Bush's son.

To understand the thought behind the conspiracy, you have to know that all the Freemasons are really old. Like all old people, they desperately want comfortable pants, and hate paying more for things then they think they should have to. Unlike other old people, the Freemasons can shape the world however they please with their far reaching connections and AARP cards. After silencing the inventor, they used their global mind-control ray to convince the world sweatpants should only be worn if you are working out or recently dumped. That way, nobody makes sweatpants cool, so they don't start costing $130 at American Apparel.

Who's to say that this isn't what happened to Hawaiian shirts? I mean, why else would people generally be opposed to such comfortable, beautiful attire? Of course, if you're aware of it, you can fight it. Come one people! Don't let yourself be controlled by the Freemasons! Buck against the system! Wear a Hawaiian shirt. Not just for the free intoxicants. Not just for the throngs of beautiful women. Wear a Hawaiian shirt… for freedom.