Techno Beats and Brain Meat: The Euro-Zombie

Nowhere to hide! Nowhere is safe! Grab an ax and start chopping!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

All this month reports have been coming in regarding American tourists being attacked in nightclubs all around Europe.

The Culprit? The Euro-Zombie.

Reeking of horrendous body-odor and atrocious cologne, these terrorizing flesh-oglers will stop at nothing once they have laid eyes on a young “devochka,” ripe for the taking.

Reports detail numerous encounters of the Euro-Zombie stalking their prey from the discotheque dance floor. Once Euro-Zombies have made their selection of fresh meat for the night, they stumble over to their target creepily reaching for the hip or hindquarters of the victim.

Within only five minutes the Euro-Zombie attempts to seal the fate of their victim by asking, “Would you like to make sex on me?” or, “My uncle Yuri work for Stalin purges. Kiss me.”

Attempts to escape the Euro-Zombie are often futile as the drunken EZ’s “victim tracking sense” mirrors modern state-of-the-art Marine sniper technology. Flashing nightclub lights and loud bass-thumping music of the basic European club do little to disorientate the EZ, as they use the sense-offending environment to stalk.

In most cases, a Euro-Zombie can be spotted by a glazed-over look and a simple head bobbing to the thumping bass. Though, some eye-witnesses admit at first they had no idea they were talking to a Euro-Zombie. “He seemed kinda nice,” a witness said, “we were drinking a couple Heinenglölish, and he was telling me about his new cell phone company. Then, all of a sudden, when I was dancing, he crept up to me and… he asked me if I would… help him ‘trim his back hair.’”

Experts advise potential safety precautions before venturing into any European nightclubs. Always travel in a large group of people, make sure there is always a sober friend, and never, ever, tell them which hostel you are staying in.

Scientists are reportedly working on a cure for the Euro-Zombie epidemic, but unfortunately there is no real hope in sight. Scientists say that these people have been real creeps for thousands of years. So creepy in fact, that it seems that they the “Zombie Gene” is so present, it has permanently grafted itself to the European male DNA.

When asked about a possible migration of Euro-Zombies to American shores, scientists say that EZs already exist among us, but with America’s conservative non-rape laws, it makes it harder for the EZ to find victims.