It's a facial hair styling that few men attempt and fewer can pull off. It's the mustache (or stache). And I shaved this past weekend to a classy reserved stache of my own. Unfortunately, I'm just doing a trial run. I wouldn't think to keep this venerable facial hair until I'm past my 40's.
Cause let's be honest, the modern mustache wearer must be completely confident in his approach. One miscalculation in his look and he can come off like a pedophile, older than he is, or a pale imitation of Burt Reynolds. But the mustache wearer has a surprising amount of options for pulling off his sartorial choice in facial wear.
So I've decided to model a few of these looks with advice on how to pull them off. Remember, you wear the stache the stache doesn't wear you.
The Clark Gable
The Clark Gable is the classic Hollywood hunk look. Especially the thinner, more well groomed staches. This is also related to the "1920's Songwriter" stache and it's near cousin "Tony Stark's Dad". Wear a nice button down shirt when pulling this look off. Drink a Martini. Kiss a dame (or a guy, but make sure it's Rock Hudson, it keeps with the Hollywood theme).
Guys donning this stache are full of vim, vigor, and vitality. It also helps to slick your hair back with black shoe polish. Just add a tux and you'll really be puttin on the ritz!
This stache reminds us of when men were men and you knew all the outfielders of the 1964 St. Louis Cardinals. The Ballplayer is a classic athletic mustache. This stache is an intimidator but it also shows how relaxed you are deep into the count right before you hit a huge homer.
Staches and balls go together like peanut butter and jelly.
Because of Giant's reliver Brian Wilson, a lot of shrift is given to beards in the modern game. But The Ballplayer shows a reverence for the old, and let's face it, nothing says "I'm your best friend and I'll teach you how to hit properly" like a good stache.
The Friendly George Harrison
So, I don't know if George Harrison of The Beatles smiled an awful lot (his guitar seemed to cry a bunch) but here's how I "imagine" his smile being. The Friendly George Harrison is for the creative type that is simultaneously comfortable with his emotions and also knows how to collaborate with others.
I included the black t-shirt because it's simple and classy. But there is a darker side to The Friendly George Harrison. All things must pass…and here's the darkside of the moon to this look… (yes, I know that's Pink Floyd)
The Emo (or The Nick Cave)
Oh, God. Who just greased your hair? And why can I only see one eye? It's The Emo! Usually you associate emo kids as being clean shaven (cause nothing grows on them that isn't dyed) with piercings and weird hairstyles. But there is a rare form of the emo stache. It's reserved for the most "manly" of emo kids…
That's why the alternate name for this stache is The Nick Cave, seen below:
Nick Cave's music combines the emotional gravity usually reserved for the margins of a high schoolers math notebook but with the snarling intensity of a caged animal on cocaine. The Nick Cave is not an emo stache; it's the proud "F U" to any that stand in your path. It also makes you look artsy and enigmatic, which the ladies friggin love.
This is the ultimate American stache. The Veteran allows you to summon Bruce Springsteen into battle like Final Fantasy; where he kicks a guitar solo so hard it splits the ground in two and deals 9999 damage to all enemies.
Or it just makes you look like you "fought in the mud" even when you haven't.
Whether or not you're really patriotic for America with a winning look like this it'll make eagles cry. But before going shirtless make sure to work on those pecs. Nothing kills a good Veteran like a lack of washboard abs. Consider it motivation to work harder.