How to Rig Baby Racing

Big winnings, little moral fiber.

Sax Carrby Sax Carr

I became an uncle recently to a beautiful little niece. No, no, don't stand up and congratulate me. And as I watched her sleeping peacefully in her little hospital bed I thought of only two things: The beauty of life, and how can I increase her "power crawling" speed?

Oh, sorry, I didn't explain that I'm an expert in baby racing.

Rigging and betting on baby racing might seem like a terrible and exploitative way to make money. How could such an honorable young mother and father throw away their careers on the back of their 1 year old? But remember, that's what they said about the Black Sox scandal too. (<–HIGHLIGHTED LINK for "scandal": And they're all famous now…and dead, but that's beside the point. Your kid is alive (and fit)! What's important is that at least 30% of your winnings in baby racing should be spent on your child's future college career.

So let me help you and your significant other out in how to "influence" the results in your child's favor.


Find a Good Bookie

In order to make money, you got to find where people are betting it right? Surprisingly the odds makers in Vegas have yet to really jump onto this growing sport. I've found the best place to find the book makers is in two places: Wal-Mart parking lots where all the "big" families hang out (high on children, low on cash, lower on morals) and of course the "minor league" circuits in preschool and day-cares.

Just don't run into the Kindergarten Cop or it's all over.

Look for the parent with a little stopwatch in their hands. Chances are they're clocking the competition to set the odds for the next big race. You'll know them when you see them. Tracksuit dads with heavy sunglasses, or moms that reek of juice box screwdrivers (1 part Mott's apple, 2 parts Vodka). Remember cash only, and don't use your real name.


Stuff Your Kid's Toys with Lead Bearings

Make sure you seal up those toys tight so your precious one doesn't swallow anything. God, what kind of parent are you?

This is what you get when you Google image search "strong baby"

Current International Baby Racing (or IBR) regulations state that "no outside training or preparation can be done before the race". This was done to keep the races "fun" and "non-competitive". Feh. You know what's fun? Buying all the steak dinners and Baby Einstein products you want. You don't get all that by training fair.

Now when your kid plays he/she is actually getting a hard workout! Good crawling depends on impeccable arm and leg strength. But your own child's efforts won't actually get them past the finish line on their own, so check out these next two.


Plant Extra Cheerios on the Floor Before the Race

Nothing will throw off a baby from the trail of their cooing mom or dad faster than delicious floor Cheerios. Infants see something and boom! Goes right in the mouth for no reason. So for extra fun, make sure to get a good scatter pattern going, really tire them out. But don't place it on the racetrack.

The key is to fatten up the other kids and make them sleepy or grumpy before the race, make them waste energy. Keep your kid away from the Cheerios and you're running away with this crawling race!


Aggressive Parenting

Memorize the names of the other children in the race to screw them up. They've only been learning the sound of their real parents now for a few months, so they're liable to get confused and off track if they hear other noises.

If you can catch them in the parking lot alone, make sure to threaten or extort the other parents. A little "accusation of their husband's affair" here, a dash of "you're a terrible parent" there, and baby racing will be the last thing on their mind!

Dress up another family member as one of The Wiggles in the audience. Infants will be drawn to them like moths to a flame. Kids love The Wiggles even if they don't understand them. Also, train your baby to hate the Wiggles.

Until next time…when you're desperate and out of cash…I'm Greyson Hardcase! (Remember, no real names!)