New Military Policy: Hire Celebrities To Date Soldiers

Not every soldier will get to take Mila Kunis to a ball, but they should all have the opportunity.

Geoffrey Goldenby Geoffrey Golden

Every day, U.S. servicemen and women risk their lives to defend our freedom. What do they ask in return? Better weaponry? College scholarships? Well, the soldiers have spoken via YouTube and their demands are clear: they want to date celebrities. Let’s make that happen, America.


A new viral video mini-meme started when Sergeant Scott Moore, who’s stationed in Afghanistan, asked Mila Kunis to a Marine Corps ball

At a press junket, Kunis’ co-star from the film Friends With Benefits, a Mister Justin Timberlake, pressured Kunis to accept the invite, which she did. (There was later some back-and-forth business about whether or not she would bail, but as of this writing, she is “in.”) However, that prompted Corporal Kelsey De Santis – a lady Marine backed by a bunch o’ dudes, to ask JT to her Marine Corps Ball.

Timberlake accepted her invite. Naturally, this led to this dude asking out Betty White:

I think you can see where we’re headed: right onto Chaos Island! For the 10-30 minutes it takes to make and upload a YouTube video, any soldier could escort any celebrity they choose to a ball, from Scarlet Johansson to Gilbert Gottfried (maybe there are women soldiers turned on by guys with annoying voices – you don’t know). The celebrity cannot refuse, because for all the money and fame their country has given them, the least they can do in return is go on a date with a random person to a crazy thing with a bunch of muscular people who all have guns. I mean, come on!

However, according to Wikipedia, there are almost 1.5 million active personnel in the US Armed Forces, so there simply are not enough celebrities to go around. Even if only half – 750,000 soldiers – wanted to dance with and possibly have sex with a celebrity, there would probably be over 1,000 male soldiers asking out just Katy Perry, and 6,000 female soldiers cat-fighting over Kid Rock. This could lead to massive fights within the Armed Forces, as soldier kick the crap out of each other for the right to escort a noticeably uncomfortable Sofia Vergara into a ballroom.

That’s why I think the process needs to be regulated. The US Armed Forces should hire as many celebrities as possible to date a select number of outstanding soldiers, to help motivate other service-people. A Distinguished Flying Cross wouldn’t just bring honor to your name and family, but you’d also get Jessica Simpson’s email address, and not the fake one on her website. Her Gmail address. Now that’s worth being heroic for.

If we don’t act now, America’s military and entertainment infrastructure are sure to collapse, as this potentially dangerous meme gets out of hand. Let’s get our nation back on track, and put more money into the pockets of wealthy celebrities, because that’s where our money belongs anyway.