Decoding the Facebook Status: Part 5

A useful guide as to what your friends are really trying to say.

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Lets take a trip to the sunny world of facebook and take a look at what our friend's status updates really mean. You think this is good, wait till our "Real Meanings of Google+ Updates" article next month!

Trisha (yesterday): Oh how you make me smile…

What they’re really trying to say: Classic me. Always happy, always something fun to contribute. Little do people know I get off on being choked and beat with inflatable furniture. But it’s little things that make the world go round!


Matt (about an hour ago): I hate oil changes!

What they’re really trying to say: I haven’t “updated” my Facebook status in a while. I’m sure everyone wants to know what Matt is up to!


Kevin (seconds ago): Making it happen for myself.

What they’re really trying to say: Today is the day. I’m going to do it. I have a gun, a gas can, and a lighter. I’m going to teach them to mess with me.


Jill (56 minutes ago): Waiting… Ugh…

What they’re really trying to say: I put in an online application to work at Starbucks this morning, and now its 1pm and I still haven’t heard anything form them.


Rich is now single (about an hour ago).

What this really means: Oh, dear god – what the hell is wrong with me? Why doesn’t she like me at all? It hurts to be in love!


Kara is now single (about an hour ago).

What this really means: I can finally breath! Freedom! I’m going to go out and get tanked and get felt up on the dance floor! First round at Chili’s is on me!


John (yesterday): If you want to make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs.

What this really means: So Dylan’s teacher said the bruises he got couldn’t have come from baseball practice. She thinks I did it… And so what if I did? Just trying to get the kid to toughen up.


Karen (two days ago): My goodness, my Guinness!

What they’re really saying: Watch out boys, Karen is having herself a couple drinks tonight. Rumor has it that drinking lowers your sexual inhibitions making just about anything possible. Meet me at Chili’s at 8 and we’ll take it from there.


Liam (seconds ago): Insert: random John Lennon quote

What they’re really saying: Look how goddamn sensitive I am. LOOK! Are you looking? I know I was born after the Beatles contributed anything, but I still feel the need to let you all know how “eclectic” I am. If posting John Lennon quotes on Facebook doesn’t get you laid, I don’t know what will.


Steve added “Cyberdyne Systems” to his employment:

What this really means: Get it?!?! Do you get it? Because it’s not a real company. It was the company in “Terminator 2,” that’s responsible for judgment day! HAHAHHA! I’m a f-ing comic mastermind.