Win Her Back.

You’re nothing to write home about, dear reader. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

And sometimes you’re just a plain old jackass. That’s why it doesn’t surprise me in the least that you lost her and she wants nothing to do with you ever again. And buddy, let me tell you something, this girl means it.

Any of your guy friends will tell you to move on and hopefully you won’t f*ck up like that again (ha!). I am the messiah of hope. I am your beacon of light. I am your last chance.

You’ve got to take your brains, balls, pride, self esteem and sense of dignity and shove it.

Go out there and win her back.

Singing and dancing.

Did you ever see 10 Things I Hate About You? I didn’t think so, loser. There’s a point where heath ledger (my heart!) does this wild display of singing and dancing to get Julia Stiles to talk to him again (who knows why). He had a microphone, accompanying music and the entire football team and cheerleading squad to bear witness. Women. Love. That. When a man makes a fool out of himself to get our attention, that’s when we say, “he’s a keeper!” 

Spend an obscene amount of money.

You and I both know that anyone can be bought. Whoever said that women weren’t superficially-motivated is probably from a desert island named “MenOnly.”  That crazy thing she’s always wanted, buy it! Make payments! Layaway! Max out the old credit card! Get her that first edition signed copy of Dubliners! Find a time machine and take her to the final taping of the Oprah show!     


Risk life and limb.

Now for the freaky-deakies out there, what I mean is, do this in an attractive “Wow, what a guy” type of way, and not a “wow, what a nutter” kind of way. For example, surfing on one foot is okay while holding a giant sign that says “I love Bernice” with a hula skirt on is just fine and noteworthy, I might add. Walking to the edge of a building’s rooftop and doing the same is neither. 


Surprise her.

Ever watch Three Men and a Little Lady? If the answer is yes, I feel sorry for us both. If the answer is no, there is a point where Ted Danson rips off all this gnarly prosthetic make up that made him look like an elderly priest to show his ex-wife “ha cha! I fooled you” (he’s no longer the love interest in this movie, and it’s way more horrific on every cellular level than this writing is making it sound). Even so, my point is still the same. Jump out of a cake with a big diamond in your hand! Dress up in a chicken suit and chase her down the street and then hit her with a bag of rose petals! Be wacky and use ingenuity!    


Support her dreams.

This truly is the best piece of advice in the whole damn article. So let’s get real. Reader, if there is some way that you can do something which demonstrates you are in fact her biggest fan, supporter and champion, she’ll most likely take you back in a heartbeat. Find a way to give her goals an ass-kick. Introduce her to Karl Lagerfield if she’s into fashion. Hold a security guard at Belle and Sebastian concert up at gunpoint so she can go backstage (I know, the image tickles me as well). Dress up as a terrorist and visit the local admissions department of the university she wants to go to and walk around, ominously handing out cupcakes. I’m not saying she needs your help, I’m just saying it would mean a lot. And that’s what it’s all about.