The good people at Craveonline.com were nice enough to hook me up with the company worm-hole, which they “claim” they use for “research reasons.” Though, the guy that told me that frequently used, “air-quotes.”
I drove down to Craveonline.com HQ and hopped through the portal… My Destination? EARTH No. 3.465.
I decided to track down a childhood hero of mine and see what he was up to in this alternate dimension. I found him working as a janitor at Alexander Burr Middle School in New New Jersey.
His name? ADAM SANDLER.
CK: That’s for agreeing to talk to me, Mr. Sandler.
AS: What you doin’ in my supply closet? Do you work here… or… –
CK: It’s not important. Mr. Sandler, what if I told you that somewhere else, you were not a janitor, but you are one of the most successful comedian actors of all time.
AS: Get out of my supply closet.
CK: Just hear me out, okay? Let’s just say that I come from a very different place. And in this place, the past happened in a way that ended up with you being a comedy icon.
AS: I got a box-cutter kid. I’ll slice ‘ya! I swear to god. Now move!
CK: On my world. Your name is Adam Sandler. You’ve written and starred in massive blockbusters. You’re rich and famous! You’ve even were a cast member on “Saturday Night Live.”
AS: I ain’t never said a funny thing in my life.
CK: There are some people on my planet who would agree with that.
AS: (snarling) Waddu saying? You sayin’ I’m some kinda dummy?
CK: No. I think you’re really funny. But there are people in my world who claim your comedy has gotten stale and that you lack even an iota of comedic integrity. Do you have anything to say to those people?
AS: I’ll bring ‘em to my trailer and feed ‘em rat poison.
CK: Um… okay…
AS: I don’t like you or your fancy-pansy earth you come from.
CK: That’s fine. I just have a couple more questions.
AS: Kid, I got work to do.
CK: Are you happy with who you’ve become? I mean, did you ever have any dreams as a child?
AS: When a man’s been at war… When he’s seen the darkness… Dreams die. All that’s left are the blood-screams of the people of the sun.
CK: (long pause) … Um… What?
AS: God is dead.
CK: You’ve played a man-child who is not ready for fatherhood. You’ve played a man-child who is not ready for inheriting his father’s company. You’ve played a man-child who pretends to be in a gay marriage. Do any of those plot-lines sound appealing to you?
AS: You callin’ me queer?
CK: … No… or, at least I don’t think I am.
AS: I’m gonna hold you down and burn out your eyes with Clorox.
CK: I think I want to go back to my planet now.
AS: You get the hell away from me and never come back!
Phew… And that was my meeting with Adam Sandler on Earth No. 3,465.
Keep it tuned to Craveonline.com for more hilarious hijinks!