As a rare individual with a modicum of intelligence and empathy, many of my friends come to me with their problems. And most of the time, I really don't mind. I actually enjoy being the guy my friends can rely on in a bad situation. It fills me with a sense of satisfaction and a little pride. But there is one thing I will not tolerate. One thing that fills me to the brim with a white hot rage. One thing my friends learn one by one as they cross the invisible threshold of my f*** off line.
I don't care about your relationship issues.
It's not that I don't think they are important. Any romantic relationship is a big deal, and you need people to talk to about them. Minor conversation about this or that is absolutely fine, about how he never does the dishes or she seems biologically incapable of performing oral sex. But the moment you get to the point where you are starting to act like a high school sophomore, bemoaning the loss of your one true love who nobody really liked you with anyway, I stop caring even a little bit.
If it's not obvious (hint: it is), I'm mostly talking about women here. When men talk about relationships, they say "You know what sucks? This thing my girlfriend does." or "We broke up, and I'm really sad about it, but I should probably take a few weeks to be alone and then nail the first living thing I see so hard she looks like Pinhead."
Which is sad, because she used to be a very pretty Lebanese girl.
But women… ugh. What follows is a series of actual statements that the actual women in my life have actually said to me. They are all paraphrased, but I promise that if anything, I've made them sound less crazy. Girls? This is your life-
"I know I dumped him two weeks ago, but why won't he take me back? I miss him so much, and I really don't like this new guy I'm with."
"He's so perfect for me. We love each other so much. We love doing all the same things, going to the same stores. We even talk about cute boys! I only wish he would have sex with me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong!"
"Last night, he went out with a bunch of his friends, and he came home with booze on his breath. I mean, he told me he was going to be drinking beforehand, but I still think that means he's probably cheating on me."
"How dare he cheat on me! Am I not pretty enough for him? That skank thinks she's sooooooo hot. Well, at least now I was right, unlike the first three million times I accused him of it, and subsequently punished him for it."
"Every morning, my boyfriend leaves the house, and then at night, he comes back with money. Where do you think he's going? He says it's 'work', but I'm positive he's doing something unsavory."
Okay, the last one may be an exaggeration, but the rest are pretty much spot on. Men know exactly why this pisses me off. Ladies, if you still haven't picked up on it, it's because these situations are really, really easy to figure out. And talking to me about them three times a week for a year only makes you look really, really dumb. Especially when it's the same problem repeated over and over. Shit or get off the pot.
I don't like being friends with dumb people. So if you want to keep being my friend, hide your dumb. Because it feels like you're coming to Dr. House with the common cold.