Oh good for you, you decided to play along and read what this snarky ass has to say about your mindset! You love this abuse, admit it.
"To be or not to be" that is your question. Whether tis' nobler to turn off 'safe search' on a company computer, or suffer the slings and arrows of that stupid Yahoo toolbar on Internet Explorer 9 that's still installed on your PC for some god awful reason. If you're at work right now, you can't stand it and you're hoping to be distracted from the soul crushing monotony. If you're unemployed, you wish you were at the torture of work just so you can pay off your addiction to buying Russian nesting dolls. Either way, let's break down what brought you here…and why you stay.
Protip: it's not because you think I'm clever. I'm just clever to know you're thinking that. Boom.
1. You hate your job and secretly want to get fired…
Remember when your boss bought a brand new fur collared coat and walked into the office? You were working the front desk with two of your co-workers. The complements began…
Worker #1: "Oh, that's a really sharp coat!"
Worker #2: "That's a great fit for you, where'd you buy it?"
You immediately scramble your brain for an original complement to give, without repeating what you already heard. You notice how nice the fur collar is. You say the most flattering thing that pops into your head.
You: "Oh that's awesome! You look like the Beastmaster!"
Now, you didn't say that because you hate your boss. You just happen to love that post-"Xena the Warrior Princess" adventure show "The Beastmaster". The Beastmaster is awesome, and brave, and talks to animals. But to your professional female boss you just snarkily insulted her coat, pride, and rank. In her mind it might be time to lay off a few workers…you just happen to be the only one.
Goofing off on the internet is like that. Unintentionally indicating that you're through working here. Wanna keep your job? Cut that out doofus.
2. You saw the picture with the boobs in it…
I'm aiming pretty specifically at the men in the audience, but if you're a woman and that made you click through drop a comment on this article; I have an email address to give you 🙂
Look, I took advantage of the one thing you can't possibly resist: scanning the internet at work trying to gleam some non-NSFW boobage material. You know, combing the articles on GQ.com then quickly dashing over to that photoshoot with Olivia Wilde. You can't go to FHM or Maxim, what are you an idiot (or 19 years old)? You got to be subtle about workplace porn.
At least keep some stuff on a thumbdrive and bring that over. Take a little longer lunch break, wink wink nudge nudge say no more.
3. You ARE working, but curious why I'd call you out for not doing it
Maybe you work for Crave Online (is that too meta for you?) or maybe you're trying to plagiarize this article for that OTHER site you work for (you know who you are). Either way, you are hard at work right now and this asshole just called you out.
But let's be honest, you'd be getting upset over nothing. What are you going to do about it? Drop a nasty comment? Too late, you've already increased my page hits and any snarky stuff you drop on me will just encourage my legions of supporters to bury you with rebuttals. It's a lose lose situation my friend.
Let's let cooler heads prevail shall we? Call a truce. I promise not to insult your work ethic in future columns if you promise to tweet about this article seven times. Sound good? Now go back to playing Farmville in the other tab, I think your corn is ready to harvest or something.
4. You love seeing banner ads refresh themselves
Oh my gosh! KIA motors does it again! You mean there's a sporty new compact that's right for me no matter what kind of urban/rural/hobbit lifestyle I lead!? What amazing direct marketing! I can really identify with this brand's identity and can't wait to fully engage with it's social web apps!
OH WAIT! NOW IT'S A PEPSI AD! SWEET!
5. You are aimless and alone
That's okay buddy. Bring it in. *hugs* That's right, let it all out. I'm sorry about your dad, he didn't mean what he said; you know he loves you right? And your dog. He'll come back soon. Sparky knows how to get home from grandma's. He's smart, remember? You trained him yourself!
Alright. Alright. Listen, I got to get back to work. Here's 20 bucks. Yeah, you can spend it anywhere you want. If you catch the matinee I still think "Cowboys & Aliens" is playing at the AMC. Yeah, that movie was okay. A little aimless, but Favreau makes it worth it. He's a workman's director. Get extra butter on the popcorn, live a little.
After you get back I'll cook dinner tonight, you put your feet up on the ottoman. Yeah, anything for you buddy. Anything.
Come back all this week for more snarky articles from Crave Online!