I don't spend a ton of time following the news, but I read enough to know that last week, America defaulted on all of it's loans and now we are owned by China. While I'm not sure exactly how the whole transfer of power thing works, I thought I'd write a welcome letter to the new owners of our fine country. Unfortunately, I don't know any Chinese, so hopefully someone can translate this for me. Of course, I'm probably going to need to learn. English is about to become the new Spanish in America.
Welcome, Chinese Overlords! Thank you for your investment in the United States of America! Apparently, you put money in at exactly the right time. Now you own what was previously the most powerful country in the world! That must be so exciting for you! I'm sure you're wondering about all the new and wonderful things America has to offer.
First, let's talk for a moment about where the money you gave us went. Well, we fought about it for a while, and then we decided to keep spending it on ways to kill young people and keeping old people alive. It's worked for us for a while now. Obviously, you don't have to go the same route. In fact, I'm sure you have little attachment to our old people, so you're free to just let them die. But I think you'll very much enjoy all the tanks and bombs you now own.
Speaking of which, don't worry about us putting up a fight. We Americans are famous for our level-headed behavior in the face of a crisis. We happily cede our entire government to you. I'm sure there will be plenty of positions open for your people after we tar and feather the majority of our representatives. Also, feel free to give one of your own delegates the title of President. Nobody seems to be using it much these days anyway.
Yes, I realize the country appears to be in horrific disarray. There are no jobs, and the one percent of people who have any money have all of it. But that won't last long, will it, China? A few glasses of the communism kool-aid and it'll spread right back out. Do you know how long we've been fighting about that? Frankly, I'm a little excited. You're gonna make a lot of people really happy, China. And one percent of people will kill themselves.
There is one thing that I feel is somewhat important. While the majority of Americans gladly accept our culpability in the folly of our ways, there are many of us that are completely innocent. I'm talking, of course, about non-voters.
We elected officials that completely boned everything. We, collectively, take responsibility for the people we trusted our country with. That was totally our bad. However, the people who didn't vote had no effect on it. We as a people didn't screw up nearly as bad as the government did. So why not set the non-voters free? Give 'em Maine or something, let them start fresh. I could join them, too. I mean, I voted for Obama, but I was living in a poor, predominantly black neighborhood at the time. My vote didn't really count.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy your new country. We've got some problems, but on the whole, we're pretty great. At least, that's my two cents. Just… avoid Michigan. They've got some problems I don't think you want to even try to fix.