Sometimes when I look at the differences between the UK and the USA, I feel the beginnings of an inferiority complex coming on. I mean just look at you, with your sunny skies, sandy beaches and your Mountain Dew – you live in a veritable paradise, and I resent you for it.
Not that you’d care. You’d just smile politely with your glistening white teeth and go back to driving through California in your roofless sports car with your relentlessly hot blonde girlfriend giving you head as you bask in the glow of the sunlight. Over here in the UK we’re an eighth as care-free and friendly, with your average shop assistant (or “store clerk”, as I’ve been told you refer to them as) having the disposition of a serial killer let out on bail – begrudgingly civilised, but give them half the chance and they’ll take you out back and bludgeon you with the frozen chicken you’ve just purchased.
Even as I’m writing this England is in the midst of its first bout of sun in about 2 months, and people are already complaining. “It’s too hot!” They cry, hiding their pasty English bodies in 3 layers of clothing before heading back inside and shutting the curtains.
So just to confirm, the UK is bloody miserable and we hate you. However, there is one glimmer of hope flickering in the darkness, something we Britons can hold onto and be proud of: Harry Potter has beaten Captain America at the box-office. BRING OUT THE CAVIAR AND CHAMPAGNE, BOYS, WE’RE DINING BIG TONIGHT!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 didn’t just beat Captain America, it pulverised it, earning a staggering $168.5million in its opening weekend compared to The First Avengers’ $65.2million. Now I’m not one to boast, but I’d say that pretty much negates every argument you could possibly devise in order to prove the US’ dominance over us British. I mean, on one hand you’ve got a teenage boy wizard wearing an unflattering pair of spectacles helped only by a high-maintenance egghead and a ginger, and on the other you’ve got a great big hunk of a super-human specifically designed by the military to single-handedly take down the Nazi army – and the geeky wand-waver wins! Wow, if that’s not a victory for us Britons then I don’t know what is.
The guy’s called Captain AMERICA for God sake. You’re the only country in the world that could get away with that. Could you imagine a Captain Iran, or a Captain Kazakhstan? Of course you couldn’t. Captain America is allowed to exist because of that inherent patriotism that used to run through your peoples red, white ‘n’ blue blood. But it doesn’t anymore, does it? Your preference for weedy British wizards over US super-soldiers surely indicates that you, people of America, hate your country.
That’s right. I said it. You hate America. Admit it. You’d much rather live here in England, fervently complaining when the sun comes out and then complaining when it doesn’t, staring out of the window of your council flat and admiring the endlessly grey concrete floor, the trees with penis’ graffiti-ed onto their trunks and the 20-something-year-olds drinking litres of cheap cider straight from the bottle whilst pissing on your arsehole of a neighbour’s dog, who has been locked outside itself because of its refusal to piss anywhere other than your arsehole of a neighbour’s cigarette stained rug.
You chose Harry Potter over Captain America, you therefore hate your country and the UK reigns victorious. Now excuse me while I put my fingers in my ears and shout LA-LA-LA repeatedly so as not to hear your opposing argument.
LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA- LA-LA-LA-LA.