Listen, I’m not trying to shatter your dreams of being the all-around-good-guy that everyone wants to shag or marry. I’m just trying to help you get your balls and your brains out of the vise that society has got them clenched in, so we can do some clear thinking together.
Contrary to popular belief, there are actually times when it’s pretty necessary for you to cheat on the old ball in chain. Let’s explore these moments together.
She’s cheated on you. Forget your pain. Forget your shock and surprise. It’s game on. You need to let thoughts of jamming your fist into this other guy’s mouth completely not even enter your head and run right out and bang some other chick. You are in the zone of game on and it’s time to shoot the ball into some baskets or die trying. Now either you surrender your balls, manhood and self esteem and put on a pink dress right away and start calling yourself Leslie or you go out and score. Because your self-respect is shredded and it’s time to do some surgery.
The Once in a Life-time Opportunity. Now perhaps this might make me unpopular, but if anyone has ever read my prior articles, you’ll see I’m a big supporter of being unpopular. If you find yourself drinking in a hotel bar next to Megan Fox and your girlfriend is in some other city, you are a complete moron not to do something about it. And guess what? If you don’t, it will haunt, traumatize, and RUIN you for the rest of your life. Let’s get real. You are not going to go the distance with that girlfriend you’re staying faithful to. Why? Because if you don’t have the brains to shag Megan Fox or Jessica Alba when they’re all up in your face, then there’s probably a lot that’s the matter with you.
You have a Jerry Maguire moment. Allow me to explain myself and let’s revisit the nineties together. Just as Jerry Maguire wrote that manifesto or whatever the hell that thing was that got him fired, you have a moment where you go into a bathroom, look into a mirror and just decide you’re going to start living life, no matter who you hurt, how bad the decision is or what kind of diseases you might pick up along the way. (I do recommend a speedy break up with your g-friend after you complete the sex, btw). This is the moment where you break away from the shackles of society's conventions and decide you're going to start living life.
You meet a lookalike from someone in your past. This is my favorite reason and the most cool, but wonky. Say you meet a girl who looks like that girl you dated in college who broke your heart, as she preferred to backpack through Europe rather than hang out with you all summer. This girl laughs at your jokes and she looks like your old Sarah! You have to complete the transaction with this one as it’s akin to getting into a time machine and rectifying the wrongs of the past. You’ll be a new man after this! Time is on your side!