Run For Your Life

You’re at a woman’s apartment for the first time, scoping the place out. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings


Here are a few telltale signs that the road ahead with this bird is going to be rocky. Or that she’s a full fledged nutter.

You see a lot of candles all over the place. MAJOR uh-oh. Chicks who buy lots of candles are either not at all in touch with reality, have lots of disposable income, conduct séances and contact the dead frequently, or all of the above. Listen to me, and I’m a keeper: if anyone ever gets me a candle as a gift, I chuck it across the room—so far and so hard that it breaks into a million pieces. What do I mean by that? A candle is a crappy gift. One moment you have a piece of wax in the shape of a sailboat or an orange or whathaveyou. Then you use it. And then you have a melted pile of wax which is all crap. If you see a lot of candles in this woman’ s place then she treasures to heavily the brief period when the candle is aglow, giving off the blue seaside stink the wax proclaims. Beware, bro.

You see a lot of photographs around the apartment of this girl and a lot of dudes. Maybe they’re ex-boyfriends. Maybe they’re all her cousins–Jim, John, Jack and Jason. Maybe they’re all gay men, posing with her over crepes and quiches. What is my point? It doesn’t F-ing matter. Why? Any girl who has a noticeably large amount of pics with her and dudes is clearly trying to desperately show the world that she is attractive to men. That men enjoy being around her. This is a sign of rampant psychotic insecurity, as if she truly believed that men enjoy spending time with her, she wouldn’t need to remind you, herself, and anyone else who enters her apartment of this "fact" everywhere you look in her goddamn home.

You see a lot of photographs around the apartment of this girl, all hooched up like she’s going to an open casting call of Sex and the City, the younger version, surrounded by her girlfriends, who are also hooched up. This is a bad sign. Look closely at those pics. Are they all posing like there’s a red carpet running under their feet inside or outside a forgettable bar? Are they giving the camera we’re-so-hot smirks? If so, it’s time to get your coat and split. Any woman who has that many poser-licious pics of herself around her own home, is a lot like the woman we talked about in case #2—so insecure, she could stop a clock.

Everything is so neat, it looks like a furniture showroom. That’s really not good. No girl who is that neat is going to be able to handle or tolerate,YOU, dear reader. You’re going to become unsatisfactory pretty fast. NOW—this is not a putdown. I just mean, that if this girl has the energy and the bravado to keep her place THAT neat, it means she’s probably trying to manage a self that she feels pretty dissatisfied with. And then she’s going to turn and look at you, with the soy sauce stains on your jeans and sigh, and ask why can’t you be less of a disgusting slob? You know? You know.