NOV 9th 2011
JOE PATERNO TO LEAVE PLANET EARTH FOR POTENTIAL SPACEBALL COACH POSITION
Field Report by Sports Columnist and Spaceball Expert, Sam Weller
One of the biggest sports scandals in history is currently unraveling at Penn State. And as Jerry Sandusky stands to face his sexual abuse allegations soon, his friend and legendary coach Joe Paterno faced a difficult choice.
Would the current administration stand to have Paterno stay on as coach? Or would JoePa, as he's affectionately called, be forced to find work elsewhere? Quoted today outside his home he simply said, "I'll see you on the darkside of the moon."
Joe Paterno, second winningest coach in college ball, is leaving the planet earth.
While JoePa's accomplishments on this earthly sphere are well known, his place of origin was never fully known. But his ability to develop devastating pass-rush offenses and bring dead animals back to life have always led some to question his place of birth.
"It's unreal," said freshman running back Todd Lundgren "Coach Paterno would just stop practice right in the middle of a drill, walk over to a dead bird, and all of the sudden that bird would fly into the sky. Then he'd have us work on redzone offense."
Last night, gathered before a throng of supporters, Joe Paterno levitated out of his front door then lowered himself to reporter's level to field questions about his future.
"Penn State's humans have been a great earth family to JoePa. I will never forget the foot-ball. But I hear the call of Persus Minor and must make a leave of absence about 4 million light years away. I have received an offer to coach Spaceball."
Above, an artist's rendering of what Spaceball might look like
Spaceball has long been the game of choice for many non-Terran fans, and though Americans may not be as familiar with the rules of Spaceball, it is Jupiter's #1 spectator sport for a reason. It's hard hitting action is very similar to the rules of American football, while also featuring decapitations, loss of limbs, and hail mary passes that detonate on contact.
"The potential for JoePa to be a free agent coach is glorbus for us." Read a recent press release by Joolar Grindo owner of the Uranus Kickers, the team JoePa is rumored to join "JoePa will bring many space ducats to the asteroid of New Cleveland."
And even above and beyond the Uranus Kickers, JoePa was optimistic about his prospects.
"I hear the Moon does great recruiting…maybe I'll get a chance to coach some Division 1 ball on Mars" said JoePa.
There was not a dry eye in the earth crowd as JoePa led his supporters in one last chant for Penn State before boarding his intergalatic craft for his first PR stop on our moon. Fortunately for us at CRAVE Online, Todd Lundgren had a flip cam on hand to capture the entire event:
"I'll miss JoePa…but I think I'll miss his telepathic pep talks the most." Lundgren said as he wiped a tear from his eye. "I only hope I can complete zero gravity training in time to attend Saturn's workout camp my junior year. I'm hoping for a transfer."
And we here on earth hope Joe Paterno finds his peace among the stars.
For more on intergalactic Spaceball follow the author @cravesam
See the original video of JoePa leaving his house here
Header image courtesy of Don Cosentino's story on Deadspin