5 Yet-to-be-Heard-From Herman Cain Mistresses

It just got weirder.

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Having been the front-running GOP presidential candidate for a couple weeks now, Herman Cain has been constantly trying to dodge allegations of sexual harassment. Bummer for him.

Well, you know what? There are a couple unsung women who have yet to step forward. But luckily, since we here at CRAVE Comedy are so devoted to truth-seeking and investigative reporting. We’ve managed to dig up five women who cloud Cain’s murky albeit, very sexy, past.

 

Herman Cain Mistress No.1 – Cruella de Vil

Rumors say these two met one another at one of the many combo “pro-life/kill puppies” rallies in the late nineties. Eyewitnesses say that the two were head-over-Labrador-slippers for one another.  Many think the two officially ended their affair over Cain’s condemnation of Eagles quarterback, Michael Vick’s illegal dog-fighting ring. Though, many on-lookers speculate that may have been just a smoke screen and Cain and Ms. De Vil still share sensual nights with one another watching a rare cut of Lady and the Tramp, where Lady gets run over by a Zamboni in act-one.

 

Herman Cain Mistress No. 2.  – Patricia “Peppermint” Patty.

While Herman Cain was a younger man, many say he got together with beloved Peanuts comic strip character, Peppermint Patty. Though Charles Shultz denied that an affair ever existed. It was said that after her steamy romance with Cain, that she would never come near another man again. Thereby leading some to believe that Cain was the last rung that broke before turning Patty into a cartoon lesbian.

 

Herman Cain Mistress No. 3 – Yoshi

Nobody really knows how. Nobody really knows why…. But homeboy f-cked a dinosaur… I mean, look at that ass, it doesn’t quit!

 

Herman Cain Mistress No. 4. – Queen Alien

During a campaign spot on the swing planet of LV-426, it is reported that Herman Cain had, what the tabloids call, “a steamy one-night romance” with the Queen of the Alien race. After many gin and tonics at a local watering hole, witnesses say they say the pair “making out with all three mouths.” When trying to follow up on this story, CRAVE was unable to reach Hudson, Hicks, or Vasquez for a comment. 

 

Herman Cain Mistress No. 5 – Speedy Gonzales.

In Cain’s one and only bout (on the DL) with homosexuality was with Latino mouse and running fast enthusiast, Speedy Gonzales. Rumor states that it was Cain’s dramatic breakup with Speedy that has shaped his current views on border control.

 

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