As a member of the 99%, it is likely that some of you will have considered easy money-making tactics in order to get you that inch closer to the coveted 1% demographic, right next to the reality TV stars and the abhorrent Fox News anchors. However, you being a hard-working, honest man has likely come in the way of you achieving this, so I’m here to inform you of several FOOLPROOF* ways which you can successfully use to increase your paltry pay packet.
*May not actually be foolproof.
1. Spam Emails
By day you are Steve, office drone and woefully lonely bachelor. But by night you are Stefan, a Yugoslavian refugee who, despite his apparent homelessness, still has internet access and is using his valuable time on the web to email good-natured members of the public, attempting to convince them to give him cash for his impoverished family.
If the public isn’t won over by Stefan’s heart breaking tales of lost love and war crimes, then it should be noted that he also sells Viagra and penis enlargers.
2. Enter a TV talent show; pretend your Grandma has died.
You haven’t got the greatest of voices, nor are you the best looking of men, but as TV talent show contestants often find themselves grabbing more news headlines than, yknow, actual news, you’ve decided that it’s about high time you got yourself on there and earned a quick buck or two.
As the camera crew interviews the other wannabees, each one looking more well-groomed than the last, you realise that you’re going to need to give yourself an edge. “I’m doing this for my Gran”, you say tearfully into the camera, “who died last month in a terrible Sunday Dinner-related accident. I miss you, Granny – I’ll never be able to eat Pork again without thinking of you”.
Meanwhile, your Grandma watches from home. “Am I dead?” She wonders to herself. “Maybe that’s why no one has called me in 3 months…”
3. Start ticket touting
Way back when CD’s were still a thing, the biggest illegal dollar anyone could earn from the music industry was pirating albums and then selling them for a fraction of the price. However, now that Apple and iTunes have ruined that booming business, you’ll instead have to use your cunningness to target the only part of the music industry that hasn’t yet been raped and/or pillaged; live gigs.
Ticket touting is the name given to the process of when an Arsehole orders multiple tickets for a much-anticipated gig that he has no intention of going to, instead opting to sell the tickets for a heavily-inflated price on eBay, to fans of the band who couldn’t get their hands on tickets because of all the Arseholes getting there first.
In other news, I’ve got two tickets to the Stone Roses reformation gigs in July, selling for a BARGAIN £250. Hit me up!
4. Create a useless product that no one needs; create an infomercial to make them think they need it.
The Shake Weight. The Hawaii chair. Both absolutely useless, but somehow breaking into popular culture on account of their inherent uselessness. One makes you simulate masturbation, the other makes you simulate being penetrated by a particularly restless lover; both have appeared on popular shows South Park and The Ellen Show respectively.
So if these guys can create and popularise their ridiculous products by capitalising on society’s aesthetic insecurities, then why can’t you? Firstly you’ll need to target a specific part of the anatomy to tone – ass implants are all the rage now, so let’s go with telling our potential customers that it will help to tone their posteriors.
Next you’ll need to think of a name that’s part-ridiculous, part-sexual innuendo: The Anal-ergizer? No, too much. The Anussecisity? Too complicated. What about The Butt Pump? Yeah, that’s good; the tagline can be “It Pumps Your Butt”. It’ll sell thousands, and then with your new found wealth you can come and take these Stone Roses tickets off of my hands – c’mon, I’ll give them to you for £230! It’s an absolute steal!