Every Friday you will join me in Bar Fiction, a magical place where the rich, famous and/or beautiful come to drown their sorrows after a long week spent in the spotlight. Be sure to check out all of the big names we've hung out on our At The Bar page!
This week we’re joined by pop starlet and human haircut Lady Gaga.
You: Woah… is that…?
Me: It is.
You: What’s she doing in a bar like this?!
Me: Drinking, I suppose?
You: Wow. Crazy.
Me: She also appears to be wearing a dress made entirely of iPhones.
You: God, she’s so cool.
Me: Why? Is it because she’s “edgy”? Is it because she’s “zany”? She reminds me of those people in the office who have coffee mugs with “you don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!” written on them.
You: Yeah but, she’s making a statement…
Me: A statement about what?
You: Y’know… err…
Me: You don’t know, do you?
You: Well I’ll go and ask her.
Me: Go for it.
Five minutes later
You: See, I told you she was making a statement.
Me: What did she say?
You: She said the dress is a piece on consumerism, and how the 21st century is obsessed with material worth.
Me: How did she get all the iPhones?
You: Apple gave them to her for free in order to promote the release of the 4S.
You: She’s so cool. She was drinking her wine from out of one of those really small teacups.
Me: Why is that cool?
You: It’s just different, isn’t it?
Me: Last month I wore a turtleneck and you wouldn’t stop laughing at me for a week; she wears a hat made out of beef and she’s “cool”?
You: She’s not cool just because she wore a hat made out of beef.
Me: Well why else is she cool?
You: She also wore that dress with the red crown – that was pretty cool. And she’s written some songs.
Me: Ah yes, and those songs earned her 4 trophies at the “prestigious”EMA awards…
You: Really? What awards did she win?
Me: Best Female, Best Song, Best Video and Biggest Fan.
You: Biggest Fan? Wow. He must’ve been really fat to get an award for it.
M: I don’t think the award was for the fattest fan, but for the biggest fanbase…
You: Jesus, how many fat fans has she got?!
Me: Not big as in weight, big as in scale.
You: Oh. Still, I bet the porkers love her. She looks like the kind of girl who would have a lot of fat fans.
You: I dunno, there’s just something about her face that makes me think they’d like her. Maybe it’s because she’s pretty…
Me: Yes, she’s not the most conventionally attractive of popstars, but she’s certainly got something-
You: -Pretty ugly. She’s pretty ugly. Plus I heard she’s got a dick.
Me: You don’t give any credence to malicious rumours like that, do you?
You: Hey – it’s the 21st century. Malicious rumours are all we’ve got. If we don’t chatter mindlessly about gossip ridiculous gossip then what else are we going to do?
Me: Don’t you ever worry that by our generation waiting eagerly for the rich and famous to fall unceremoniously from grace, just so we can laugh at them next day in the newspapers, we’re setting up a deeply cynical and hateful world for future generations –
You: -did you hear that Lindsay Lohan is gonna be in Playboy? Haha. She’s such a crackwhore.
Photo Credit: WENN.com