Oh The Internet… why do you tease me so. Here I sit at a little café, I’ve checked into via Foursquare (on my iPhone), but as I settle in to get some real work done, and crank out today’s ‘Funny Pages’, I find myself connectionless. A little Exclamation point over 4 grayed out lines taunts me.
You’re like this girl I knew in high school, Jaime Carver. All around me I could see people using you, and yet you and I were friends when nobody else was looking. You were my iPhone foursquare app, I could check in to see how you were and to see if I was still infatuate enough with you to want so desperately to earn a badge in some inane thing… first base, second base, whiff of curly hair, a reach around… whatever. It didn’t matter; all I knew was other people were on you and doing what ever they wanted.
There were out there googling, yahoo’ing, this guy next to me is clearly looking up where he can find a tranny escort, which might break my high school friend crush metaphor, but still – Give me some damn internet!
It’s a sad world these days, 40 people sitting around a beautiful flowery, outdoor café courtyard all tapping away on their bright and shiny laptops, seemingly working, writing a screen play, acquiring friends with benefits (and multiple body parts), and no one is talking to each other. Even this couple across the way is sitting together in complete silence as she works on her laptop, and he dicks around with his smart phone.
If Jaime Carver were here now, (and not 16 years old anymore) I think checking in to foursquare would be the last thing on my mind.
On the other side however is the part of me that’s going to go inside and ask the barista to restart the router, which is a kin to telling the whole school that Jaime Carver was born with both sets of genitals, which I only know because I’m her secret friend. It’s a clean restart, and it levels the playing field, and if I’m lucky I can get on first and yet we all understand just how dirty this thing is now.
The internet, what would we do with out you?
Possibly, have sex.
Or do crystal meth. Yay.