I Guess I’m In The Red

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Kyle Krinerby Kyle Kriner


Kyle Kriner here again, my friends, breaking down barriers and uniting the world through fiction.  Maybe.  The holidays are upon us so what better time to start opening our big RED hearts and showing some love?  That was subtle, I know.  Moving right along…this time around, we're gonna take a look at some fictional characters who are red.  Not retired, and not extremely dangerous…well, maybe a little dangerous.  Ok, some are extremely dangerous.  Whatever.  You get the point.  

Red Skull
There are many villains throughout the comic book world, but not many are as evil and maniacal as The Red Skull.  This dude is totally creepy.  He actually would terrify me if he was a good guy.  And even though he hates Captain America, his motivation is more for power than anything.  He is an interesting bad guy, always with a trick up his sleeve, an amazing strategy, and a horriffic mug if I may say so myself.
Ahh, another one of the great Disney sidekicks.  Sebastian always has a positive message and a song in his heart.  Sure he may be a bit apprehensive at times, but sidekicks need to know how to show us our options and make sure we make the right call.  And play devil's advocate.  The devil also happens to be red, but I decided I didn't even want to go there.  Anyway, Sebastian, the most loveable, melodious, underwater pal you could ask for.
Ok, you got me.  I couldn't help it.  The guy is just too cute.  So cute you literally want to punch him in the face most of the time.  His voice won't seem to ever grow past infant tone, and even though he stars on a show devoted to learning, he never seems to learn anything.  So he remains eternally naive, immature, and mostly adorable.  Maybe one day we'll get an Elmo: All Grown Up or Elmo: The College Years.  I think it would make a good pitch.
We all remember Clifford, right?  The bid red dog that lived in the girl's back yard.  He started off as a tiny little puppy but exponentially grew into a gigantic dog that was bigger than his owner's house.  Of course, most kids would think that was cool.  You could ride him all over the place, he could lift things for you.  Not to mention, no one in town's gonna mess with the kid with the giant dog.  But let's be real here.  Can you imagine how big his turds are?  Not to mention he'd probably flood the basement when he peed in the yard.  I'm not even going to imagine how his breath smelled, or how many fleas could infest him.  Guess it's a gift and a curse.  Poor Cliff.  
This was an easy one.  When we're talking about cartoon badasses, you gotta mention Knuckles.  He definitely brings a more antihero feel to things, but he's ultimately good.  He's just always ready to rumble.  Maybe he's not as fast as Sonic or as nice of a guy as Tails, but Knuckles gets the job done.  And we all love him.  Is it the killer shoes?  Maybe the spikes on the gloves?  It might just be the dreadlock thing he's got going on with his hair.  In any case, it's obvious why he's awesome.