10 Creepiest Old Thanksgiving Parade Floats

They don’t make ‘em like they used to. By that I mean, they don’t make them super grotesque.

Geoffrey Goldenby Geoffrey Golden

The modern science of Macy’s Parade Floatology allows us to replicate a cartoon character pretty perfectly in balloon form. However, it took many years, and many more hideous balloons, before we got to that point. Check out these vintage oddities from Thanksgiving Day parades past, courtesy of the NY Daily News archives:


“Dragon” – 1931

In those days, dragons looked like anal sex toys.


“Cop” – 1937

Nothing says “fun” like a stern warning from a police officer.


“Santa” – 1939

Ho… Ho… CRUSH!


“Tin Man” – 1939

I’m trying to remember – in the book, did Tin Man pimp Dorothy?


“Eddie Cantor” – 1940

The only float ever made depicting a real person. Now we know why.


“Clown” – 1949



“Spaceman” – 1952

He has a giant gun and it’s pointed right at our children. Yay!


“Toy Soldier” – Year Unknown

This is what they used to do with old A-Bombs.


“Mickey and Donald” – 1972

“Come on, Mickey. I’ll show you the guy who crippled me!”


“Linus the Lion” – 1973

“My head is so f***ing big, you guys.”


Geoffrey Golden is the Editor in Chief of The Devastator, “The Quarterly Comedy Magazine For Humans,” in comic book stores across the country.