This is What Prehistoric Sex Toys Looked Like and No We’re Not Joking

Even cavemen and cavewomen got kinky.

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

IMAGE: PETER ZETTERLUND, SWEDISH NATIONAL HERITAGE BOARD

 

Imagine you and your girlfriend lying in bed together. You start getting a little bit frisky, before she turns to you and says: “Let’s use some toys.” This is the first time she’s ever said anything like this to you, and you’re excited to see what she has up her sleeve. She reaches to the side of the bed, opens up her nightstand and pulls out a box. What could it contain? A Rampant Rabbit? Anal beads? A pair of fluffy handcuffs? She opens the lid, reaches inside, and pulls something out.

“What is that?” you ask, unable to get a clear look at the cylindrical object she’s holding before you in the darkened bedroom.

“It’s a carved stag antler phallus,” she replies.

“Oh.” You say. “Sorry, I think I have to leave.”

Fortunately that conversation never actually happened because this is the 21st century and though the dildo comes in various shapes and sizes, none of those shapes nor sizes are “carved stag antler phallus.” The sex toy you see pictured above was used at some point in human history, however, as archaeologists have unveiled a treasure trove of penis-shaped objects that were almost certainly used to bring people pleasure thousands of years ago.

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The above image of the aforementioned carved stag antler phallus is dated between 6,000 – 4000 BCE, though the oldest sex toy shown is thought to be over 30,000 years old. Take a look at the Paleolithic stone phallus, though to have been used around 29,000 BCE, below:

PrehistoricSexToy2

IMAGE: WORLD ARCHAEOLOGY / PREHISTORY MUSEUM, BLAUBEUREN

 

The stone phallus also doubles up as a hammerstone because women love multi-tasking (and sweeping generalizations).

The dildos, branded “ice-age batons” by archaeologists, were curated by Mashable and provide an interesting glimpse at the sex lives of our prehistoric ancestors. To be honest, we wouldn’t want anything more than a glimpse as we imagine the sex was super hairy. There was no manscaping or finely trimmed bushes back in those days, that’s for sure.