Valentine’s Day – you either like it or loathe it.
Other than Christmas, V-Day comes with perhaps the most pressure of any other annual holiday, and as such opinions on it range from “Oh God what the Hell am I going to do for my significant other for Valentine’s Day” to “Oh God I’m alone again on Valentine’s Day I’m going to die with no one one to love me.” Yes, it can be a difficult time of the year.
You’re likely to encounter many different kinds of people on February 14th, with each of the following individuals likely to be in attendance wherever you spend that fateful day. You’re likely even one of them.
Here are the different types of lonely/loved up people you’ll see on Valentine’s Day.
The Person Who Actually Enjoys Being Single
Many people are of the opinion that those who enjoy being single must be lying to themselves, and every individual should be permanently glued to the hip of a significant other if they wish to remain happy. This isn’t the case. While Valentine’s Day is a notoriously difficult holiday for those who are unhappily single, for those who don’t mind going it alone in the big, bad world then Valentine’s Day is, well, just another day. They will also come away from February 14th with their pockets lined with much more cash than the saps who have managed to get themselves stuck in a committed relationship, and won’t be forced to spend an obscene amount of money on a piece of card with a vomit-inducing “heartfelt” message plastered on it. Envy these people.
The Person Who Pretends They Enjoy Being Single But Secretly Wishes They Were Dead
As previously mentioned, Valentine’s Day is tough for the person who absolutely loathes being single. As the 14th rears its glowing, smiling, sickeningly sweet head, these people are the most likely to bombard Facebook with a series of posts explaining how they prefer being alone and how “relationships just don’t work for them,” before they spend their evening with a Hugh Grant movie and their own crippling self-loathing.
The Couple You Hate
Fuck them in their stupid perfect lives.
The Couple Who Must Let Everyone Know How Thankful They Are to Be With Each Other on Valentine’s Day
What did these kinds of couples do before the days of social networks? How on Earth did they let everyone know just how perfect they are for each other? Did they spend February 14th visiting friends’ houses hand-in-hand, dry-humping up against their front doors? These couples are like vampires, except instead of only coming out from their castles at night, they come out of each others’ pockets on important holiday to tell everyone just how much they love one another.
The Drunken Soul Who Doesn’t Want to Die Alone
If you’re single then Valentine’s Day is a great time to go out drinking, because you’re going to find yourself confronted by hundreds of other singles who desperately want to forget that they are alone. Chief among these is the particularly drunk individual who is increasingly afraid they will end up dying alone, after numerous failed relationships and a distinct feeling that whenever they’ve said “it’s not you, it’s me,” they might have actually been telling the truth. These people will be propping up the bar all night, praying that their evening will end in sex but eventually coming to the conclusion that the only thing they’re going to be sleeping in bed with tonight is a pool of their own vomit.
The Individual Who Inexplicably Finds Him/Herself Surrounded By Couples
They have no idea how their evening ended up like this, but this individual is now spending his/her Valentine’s Day surrounded by friends who are in relationships. With a sneaking suspicion that they may have been invited out of pity, this person is now stuck spending the most romantic day of the year with a group of loved-up people who are unwittingly shoving their happiness down his/her throat until they want to crawl up into a ball and die.
The Partner Who is Incredibly Ungrateful of Their Significant Other
Valentine’s Day is an event created popularized by retailers in order to get you to throw your money at miscellaneous objects to somehow “prove” your love for another individual. We know this. Everybody knows this. But there are numerous couples out there who will have arguments of February 14th because a certain gift doesn’t match expectations, and the other 364 days of the year that they spend with each other are somehow completely nullified because the Valentine’s Day present that these ungrateful individuals received somehow wasn’t good enough. Don’t worry about Valentine’s Day – focus on being a good partner for the rest of the year.
Header Image: Getty Images/Saul Herrera